What a Difference a Year Makes...

Last year at this time my summer as I knew it ended...This year I feel like it is just beginning.  I'm excited for the next month cause I'm booked up with things going on which is a refreshing change.  The stress and frustration still lingers.  Still I'm plagued by small decisions between money and happiness.  I look at my debt and then look at grad schools and hate that I've done this to myself.  It seems that so many people are out doin' amazing things living my fantasy...I see so many amazing things in my future and am excited to start this school year...But I'm tired of waiting for it to happen.  They keep sayin' "it will", "you will," but when?  How much longer do I have to wait???  And why do I feel like I have to wait???  Why do I keep picking my wounds???

Well Bloody Fucking Hell..

So Cin is the stupidest person alive...On all fronts.  Can you say emotional fuckwit??? No wonder I'm being avoided.  And if I hadn't fucked up right royally (repeatedly no less), add to that the like 200 fucking pages that I'm voluntarily typing for free.  Can you say Carpal Tunnel???  And I have until Thurs to finish it before I blow this ghost town for a week...Not gonna happen.  So I'm stressed about something that I can't control; I'm stressed about something that I'm volunteering for and am not even obligated to do.  I need a breath of fresh air...At least my own personal tsunami is no longer around...Breathe easy Cin...   

I need to get back in the saddle again...

I'm at the point now where I've come to terms and I need to feel cared for again...It's been over a year now since I've felt love and care and for me that is just too long.  Emotional abuse is a bitch and I'm only just now starting to feel like I'm on my way out...Faintly, but I feel it. 

I am dreaming of next reading week.  Please Lord let me end up somewhere tropical and let it be as fun as I could hope it to be.  I really need to go on a vacation like that before school starts but I'll just have to take what I can get.

One more month...

...and then I can get the hell outta here.  I'm so stir-crazy right now.  I've been stagnant here for too long.  It's time to find some adventure.  I was so close to jumping on a plane and going somewhere but I keep forgetting that I don't have a passport...so I gotta get on that. 
 
This summer from Hades is draggin' me down.  I've realized that people I thought were my friends are really just distant acquaintances who don't care to keep in touch.  Whatever.  I can't wait to finish my Undergrad so I can pack up and move and start again somewhere.  I'm haunted by my past here and it's not a very good way to live.  I get stuck in ruts and I've been stuck for too long.  I keep getting punished for my past decisions and my past lifestyle...well no more.  IT ALL CHANGES RIGHT NOW...before I give up for good.
 
One step forward, two steps back.  Or one step forward, one step sideways...

And So It Shall Be Gertie...

The new addition to my life this summer is a Teddy Bear hamster who shall henceforth be called GeRtIe...like Drew Barrymore's character in ET!!  It's so goddamn cute I can't stand it and scares easily just like her.  So scary having to look after a living thing...but so awesome.  When I get a digital pic I'll post it.
 
Oh, and did you know that they "can't guarantee" the sex of hamsters??!!!???  So I don't know if I have a girl or a boy...hmm...
 
Now if my little Sweetlet would only stop being a little Shitlet and stop biting me...

What Now???

My Carbibbean Girlie is gone for the rest of the summer.  So Sad.  But so excited for her cuz the rest of her summer is gonna be FaNtAsTiC!!  So I'm back to just me.  Hmph.
 
Ooooh...but my lover Sam Roberts is playin' TO in August and I'm beside myself at the prospect of seein' him rock out as I was deprived of his greatness last summer.  Could be a good time with my Bro's in TO...fingers crossed.
 
Thank God for music...

The Long Return...

Once you've had Crown Royal can you ever go back to Canadian Club? How do you have fun again after having had the most fun of your life? Can anything ever compare? How do you go back to your life after being teased with a taste of someone else's lifestyle? Can you ever fit back into your own skin? Or are you forever changed? I don't think you can know yourself unless you've walked in someone else's shoes. Try everything...Change until you can't change but back to the way you began.

I want food to taste good again. I wanna feel all of that again...The good and the bad...cuz when you're feeling you know you're alive. I get it now. I've learned my lesson. Now make the lesson stop cuz I can't take it anymore...

"O trespass sweetly urged!"

So to expand on my obsession with nicknames...

You can even fit names into famous speeches and sayings!!!

One day a gorgeous boy (a Romeo) will speaketh to me: "[Cin] from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my [Cin] again"(Romeo and Juliet, 1.5, 106-7)!!!!

ah...sigh...swoon...again, what a load of cheese am I.

Oh, and I didn't win the lotto tonight. My fortune cookie lucky numbers didn't bring me luck...at least I don't think they did...sigh...damn

So I have decided that talking (typing) on Messenger has ruined my writing. I've become way too used to the short cuts and I'm especially obsessed with the ellipsis...Which I use way too often...Can ya tell?

Been a while since I've been writin' things down...Maybe that's why I feel slightly fucked up again...No worries. So many things to say, can't get 'em down fast enough.

I really want to buy a pet of some sort...Am thinking a small critter. [Socrates to AB and welcome home Mr. Pickles the newest housemate (who by the way is livin' it up in his newly-made hammock crafted out of an old sock).] But I don't have money and the thought of caring for a living thing is kinda terrifying. I can't imagine what I would have felt if I had ever had a pregnancy scare as a teen...

The days have been filled with festivities...Right on with that. Need to hit the beach soon. I got crisped up today so I'm ready to face the sun at the beach.

I'm a workin' girl now kinda which is ok. But my schedule is still really free and flexible which is wicked!! I have so little responsibility this summer is FuCkIn' AwEsOmE!!!!!! Long overdue...