i cannot conquer me

silence is golden is what the happy say to control the sad
it's what elevates them and crushes the proud

my old hurts won't walk away
singing songs of their old dreams
my broken soul won't mend
reciting stories to my slivered sanity

take this from me
my battered panoply
I am defenceless anyhow
and drunk on stubborn sensitivity

I have slain the dragons of my discontent
and fought the foes of my pleasure
I've won great battles and earned the title
of Keeper of my Happiness

But they misinform when they
withhold the biggest creature of them all
and I fail as hero and Keeper
because i cannot conquer me

Me

Cindy. This is me.
Cinamon Girl. Also me.
Cinny Tott. A version of me.
Cindy Lou Who. Me.
Cinmpleton.
Cinnabar.
Cingle.
Cin.
Alone.

HOW TO STEW A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

MIX:
10 GRUDGES
12 BITTER MEMORIES
¼ CUP STOLEN DREAMS
½ CUP SORROW
1 CUP BROKEN PROMISES
1 HEARTACHE
PINCH OF AVOIDANCE
DASH OF SILENCE

EMPTY CONTENTS INTO PRESSURE COOKER. IGNORE. WAIT FOR ERUPTION.
SERVE WITH YOUR FAVOURITE BOTTLE OF MEDICATION IF DESIRED.

Birthdays and Essays...

Alright already. Yes, my blog in inundated with essays and birthdays. Period. Such is my life everyone. And you all would be mad if I didn't wish you a happy day so enjoy it while it's there. I will post some brilliant blog at another time. I will. No, really.

Happy B-Day Mikey!!

My middle bro is one year older.

Happy Bday...

...to my roomie Kunal!!!

Kunal is 21...He looks like he's holding his liquor well...

Happy B-day...

Caitlin you are twenteen today!!! Have a good one, girlie.

Happy Hallowe'en...

I love this "holiday" so have a good one, y'all. I can't say that mine was great. All I can say is that it wasn't. I didn't have a chance to dress up. I didn't have a chance to prove myself with my costume (ie. that I would wear it and not back out). I'm upset at all of the boring awful people who brought down this fabulous day for me. You will all rot...muawwwwwawwww...

A New Permutation of my Name...

CINic!!

Homecoming...

It's Homecoming weekend which means that alumni will be returning to this grand lil town in flocks. So my tsunami will prob be kickin' around...ah well...just one more face in the crowd. Homecoming also means insane drunkenness, beer that flows like water, police, crowds, a football game, insane drunkenness, camaraderie, fights, pancake keggars, insane drunkenness...Party on K-town.

Happy Birthday Gordon

We've got some celebratin' to do.

"Alarum"

Alarm. Confusion. Disruption. Alarm. Panic. Slap. Crash. Pain. Unconscious.
Alarm. Strains to break the seal of her eyes. Slits. Stale smell. Opens eyes. A bright light. Alarm. Confusion. Dizziness sets in. Limbs limp. Dead weight. Disoriented. Is she lying on a trampoline? Alarm. Confusion. No leverage. Heaves herself up. Heavy limbs. Laying like Cleopatra. Heavy life. Alarm. Queen. Leader of armies. Lover. Timeless. Ageless. Classic. Powerful. Influential. Dead. Fiction. Dream. Alarm.
Crash. Pain. Broken? Looks for exit. Rolls off of trampoline. On her knees. Head bent low. Submissive. Queen. Submissive queen. Paradox. Fiction? Dream? Head spins. Maintain consciousness. Swirling darkness. Body sways. Sea legs. No solid ground. No perspective. No point of reference. A struggle. Defiant queen. Loses focus. Call for help. Throat closed. Dry. Fused shut. Defiant body defies queen. No strength.
Glimmer of gold. Hand grasps bulbous metal. This time defies body. Pulls herself to standing. Alarm. Twist. Free. Exit queen. Darkness. Stumbles. Hands along a flat cool surface. Flat everywhere. Inside a cold rectangle. Forwards or backwards. Forwards. Alarm. Find a way out. More bulbous metal. Grabs metal. Pulls. Alarm fades. Good enough.
A cold cube. A porcelain palace. Fit for a queen. A royal palace? Dark. Feels her way along the smooth, flat surface. No slave girls. Alarm faint in the distance. Dead end. Panic. Alarm. Water above. Cleansing. Relaxing. Loosens the crust. Eyes wider. Calms her panic. Cools her fever. Water everywhere. Alarm still sounds. Moisture about her. Weighs down her eyelashes. Cooling. Storm. Swirling. Swaying. Sea legs. Water everywhere. Smells clean. Heat lingers. Head heavy with water. Sigh. Relax. Calm. Nurturing warmth. Refreshingly cool. Blink. Alarm. Cold dark cube.
Slippery now. Genuflect again. Dizzy. Feels around. Cotton. Soft. Fragrant. Warmth. Sore body. Soft skin. Fresh scent. Genuflect. Submissive queen. Submissive. Queen? Crawls. Flash of gold. Bulbous metal. Pull. Flat surface. Bulbous metal. Familiar. Been here before. Whisper of air across her skin. Chilled. Shiver. Cotton. Dry. Bends. Reaches. Shrouds her royal body in robes. Alarm. Warmth covers her head. A crown? Alarm. Aloof. Dizzy. Knees give in. Familiar. Trampoline. Unconscious. Begin again.
Intrusion. Pain. Lion on her lap. Lion? Dog? One head not three. Creature. Attack. Devouring queen. Panic. Alarm. Ears ring. Rolling. Writhing in pain. Fangs. Battle. Wrestle. A guard? Struggle. Exit? Break free. Run. Grasp metal. Slam.
Flat surface again. Inside cold rectangle. Stumbles. Nothing to grasp. Pain. Cut lip. Feels a lip. Close to edge. Close call. No guard. Shut in cube with the trampoline. Genuflect. Standing. Descends. Down. Into darkness. Foggy. Blurred vision. Hell? Slow. Gradated. Down. Down. Down. An eternity. A tickle on her neck. Panic. Chill. Wet hair. Relief. Descends. Sound. Twist. Creak. Movement above. Creature watches her. Frightened. Stalks her. Shaky. Slip. Trip. Grabs cylinder. Crash. Genuflect. Regroups. Breath. Descends. Bottom. Flat. A rumble. Fear. Where from? The creature? Where? Panic. What? Rumble. Why? Her body quivers. Rumble. Help. Pain. Desperate to exit.
Smell. Sweet. Fresh. Relief. Follows scent. Hands on the flat surface. Inside cold rectangle. Only forwards or backwards. Stronger. Sweeter. Lighter. End. A cavern. Luminous. Spacious. Echo. Something brushes by her. She braces herself. Hand on flat surface. It’s hot. Pain. Body quivers. Holds injured limb. Something cold now on her hand. A figure stands there. Ice. Others rush around her. Servants? The figure holds out a vessel. Warm. Fragrant. Reaches with her good hand. Sip. Swallow. Mmmm. Body relaxes. Nurturing warmth. Lay like Cleopatra. Heavy limbs. Calm. Pampered. Free. Splendour.
A bell. Alarm? Pandemonium. Figures scrambling. Shades? A rumble. Body quivers. Pain. Heat everywhere. Rumble. Clink. Hot rectangles thrust onto a disc. Sweet. A figure thrusts the disc at her. Body reacts. Mmmm. Rush. Adrenaline. Tingle through body. Vision hazy again. Alarm. Panic. Figures circling. Waving up high. Alarm stops. Time. Disc is gone. Clank into a metal basin. Figures now run. Swirling sight. Hazy cavern. Adrenaline. Panic. Pandemonium. Figure thrusts a sac at her. Heavy. Awkward. She slings the sac over her body. Possessions? All she will save. Exodus. Alarms ringing. Time. Dizzy. Closes eyes. Zones out. Opens. Alone. Figures gone. Slam. Panic. Exit. Forwards or backwards. Darkness. Light ahead. Hands along the flat surface. Glint of light. Bulbous metal. Twist. Escape. Overwhelming light. Blinded. Feels a lip. Stumbles. Broken lip. Eyes closed. Head hurting. Crisp air on her sweating body. Free. Sound of sirens. Loud whirring and whizzing. Chaos. Pandemonium. Confusion. Too many directions. Forwards. Eyes. Slits. Too much light. Chaos. Noise. Pandemonium. Things rush by her. Can’t see what they are. Shades? She follows in their wake. Eyes adjusting to the light. Smell. Fresh.
Light. Yellow. Red. Green. Figures move. Forwards. Follow like sheep. Exit? Escape? Where? Lost. Unsure. Cold. Blind. Stumbles. Concrete. Grass. Concrete. Figures. Crowds. Commotion. Why? Zone out. Keeps walking. Time lapse. Crash. Figure brushes by her. Startled. Lifts head. Looks up. Limestone. Cube. In? Metal. Pulls. Enters.
Flat surface again. Inside cold cavern. Stumbles. No guard. Ascends. Into light. Chemical smell. Blurred vision. Too bright. Slow. Slippery. Gradated. Up. Up. Up. An eternity. Sore legs. A tickle on her neck. Panic. Relax. Just hair. Chill. Wet hair. Relief. Ascends. Sound. Twist. Creak. Movement above. Creature? No. Figure. Relax. Regroups. Breath. Ascends. Top. Flat. Noise. Fear. Where from? The creature? Where? Panic. What? No. Why? Her body quivers. Relax. Figures. Friendly. Safe. Forwards or backwards. Forwards.
Another cavern. Fluorescent. Too much light. Injured retinas. Press eyes closed. Keep out light. Feels a lip. Stumbles. Metal. Chair. Falls down. Seated. Throne? Queen? No. Chair. Metal. Plastic. Student. Opens eyes. Slits. Light. Light. Light. Figure. Authority. Queen? Yes. Speaks. “Getting back to Shklovsky’s and Jakobsen’s concepts of literature…”. Confusion. Disruption. Heavy limbs. Blurred vision. Heavy head. Chill. Panic. Reality. Escape. Zone out. Alarum.

$2 Tuesdays

For all you bean lovers go to Second Cup today for $2 lattes. Get that caffeine hit so you can live it up tonight.

Cindy Lou Who who was no bigger than...22

My big bro Phil showed me this flower store in TO called Cindiloohoo. First, I was excited because that's MY name and it's also a store. Then I was slightly upset because THAT'S MY NAME and I want a store called Cindiloohoo. Add to that the fact that it's a flower store which I would love to open, especially with Natalie's help.

On another note, I'm 22 and people still call me Cindy Lou. Names are powerful, oh so powerful. I'm gonna be *cute* forever. Well it's better than having "a face like a torn bun" as my Grandma always said, I suppose.

To Give. To Thank. To Give Thanks.

It's turkey time once again. It's a time of giving, a time of thanking, a time of giving thanks. Here I go...THANKS. I exude grace. Whatever.

I've come to realize how hard it is to live in the moment when you're forced to look at your future, your immediate future, due to rapidly approaching deadlines for graduate schools and work abroad programs. No matter. Live in the now, look to the future, and every now and again take a glance back at your past.

Giving propels one forward; thanking looks back in praise of the past; giving thanks is the way to live in the present. "Today is a gift. That's why they call it the present." Awww. Don't that just make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (insert emotional response here).

Rock Out

The ktown concert fest was indeed rockin'. Thousands of people plus the Hip and Matt Good = a great way to start off the school year. Busy as a Bee I am. And it's grand. Peace y'all.

There's just no way...

After researching this summer about teaching overseas in Asia and convincing myself that there may be a slim chance that I could actually do it I ruined all of this confidence tonight by reading some disturbing tidbits of information. I've read it before but I guess I erased this terrifying info with the excitement and thrill of learning about a new culture. Yeah, so there's no way that I can go overseas. I know nothing about traveling or anything and I am completely overwhelmed even at the thought of it. I could never in a million years do it alone. My only hope is to find a companion to go with me. Right... No one I know shares my desire to go overseas...Story of my life...