Momma Always Told Me TTI

I grew up in a family with working class parents and two older brothers. My dad is as blue collar as they come and my mom is from small town Northern Ontario...When I say small I mean bumfuck nowhere. Our vehicle of choice was the station wagon...And not just any station wagon...Oh no, it was dark brown with tinted black windows and made enough noise that we knew Dad was turning onto our street by the rumble of the beast. We all nearly pee ourselves when we watch the car scenes in Uncle Buck. Needless to say, I never wanted a ride to high school.

My mom still dreams of being an actress and has filled my mind with big dreams ever since childhood. She insists on telling us repeatedly that she could be an actress. She always told me I could do it but I didn't have the desire or the confidence to follow through with it (I make up for this lack of drama in other ways...Ha ha). I think I watched every award show on TV with my mom, starin' at those beautiful women (albeit simulacra of real women) walkin' the red carpet. Mom always told me I could be there one day. She would pretend to walk as if one of those women. "See, we could be there. We could look like that. You just have to stand tall and walk in there as if you belong. Just TTI and strut like you own the place," she would say. TTI is our code for "Tuck Your Tummy In." To this day, even when I feel out of place at functions I know that if I TTI and walk proud I will belong...sorta.

That's the thing about class...It isn't something you're born with but something that is learned...And social status does not necessarily define class. Nothing looks worse than a wealthy woman in some expensive getup tryin' to look wealthy but sporting a protruding belly with hunched shoulders. I've seen business men who chew with their mouths open and, that's one thing I'll say for my dad, he may be a mechanic but when he eats in a restaurant he looks like a gentleman.

My desire to be better off in life than when I was growing up is in a way troublesome to me. I don't want to become stagnant in the same place that I grew up in; I want to see the world and grow by its influences and by my experiences. I would be content with the life that I had growing up but part of me wants more. "I want the fairy tale," says Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

I've never even been on an airplane. I've experienced so little compared to others...But the reverse is also true. It's not like I was deprived as a child - not in the least - but compared to some at my school my life has been blah. Sometimes I walk around campus and feel so strange and out of place. No need for violins. I'm not tryin' to cry about a life that wasn't really bad at all (I actually find some of the stories of my childhood and my family funny as hell!!!) I'm just tryin' to explore the relationship between our family identity and our personal identity.

A lot of the time I struggle to incorporate my upbringing into my life without having it define my identity completely. It's hard sometimes to try to fit with others who have experienced the world. And sometimes I feel that I don't have much to offer to guys who are worldly. And I guess I don't...at least I don't have exciting stories to offer...But I do have a hell of a lot more once you get past my superficially blah upbringing and reach the goals and dreams that I have had all my life. If anything I think growing up with desires and dreams makes you able to fit in with regular people without judgment while learning to fit in with the upper crust.

If you're only as old as you think you are, you're only as poor as you think you are. Bein' wealthy is as much a financial situation as it is a state of mind.